Voice Memos: a film by Cari Spinnler
The video series entitled "Voice Memos" was a piece I created specifically for the Instagram feed. I wanted to use movement and poetry to tell little vignette stories about love, trauma and loss. I find social media to be a place with a lot if false truths. People are constantly posting to try to be "transparent" but are often times just continuing to perpetuate the falseness with shallow vulnerability. I wanted to create a series where I could be vulnerable through art, something I have been honing since my time at Rutgers. My goal was to share with my followers that it is okay to reach down into the depths of what ails you and turn it into something beautiful. I wrote (and voiced) the poetry below for each piece.
I want to ask you if you still think about me,
but that feels selfish.
Because I hope you’re so happy with her
that I don't even cross your mind.
I hope you're so present with her
that nothing pulls you into the past.
I know you make her laugh,
you always made me laugh.
And I hope she loves you.
Because I think I did,
I think I loved you.
- the one that got away
I don't think I've ever wanted to kill myself
as much as I've just wanted to take my body off
and let it rest.
you have to find the parts of you that you love
your favorite parts
the easiest parts
the most beautiful parts
seek them out
and love them
then you have to find the
parts of you that you hate
the most uncomfortable parts
the most shameful
the most painful parts
you have to seek them out
and you have to love them
- healing is a journey
how many times have you called yourself a feminist?
gushed about equality.
bragged about your love for all women.
when in reality you’re secretly rooting for some women
how many times have you said “we are all women. so give me the mic.”
you’ve been more interested in talking
than in listening.
more interested in the struggle you face,
the struggles faced by other women who look like you,
speak like you,
think like you.
my pain is more important because it’s mine.
do you feel okay with leaving some women behind?
- girl power
they tried to break you
they tried to kill you
and I know it feels like everything was taken from you
you get to wake up each day and feel the warmth of the sun on your face
sooner than later you'll move your body and know that it is not damaged or broken, you are not damaged or broken
years from now you'll lay down at the end of the day and be enveloped by the
man that loves you
and little by little, you'll start to love yourself again too.
and guess what?
they cant take that from you
they can't take that from you
- letter to my child self
his soul isn’t old, it’s ancient.
when you fall in love with an ancient soul everything is sacred. nothing is taken for granted.
each moment is a conscious choice.
there's no going through the motions.
every time he touches me, smiles at me, comes home to me.
he's choosing me.
again and again and again.